by nepipemi on Tue Jul 06, 2010 1:42 am
Hi Linda,
Yes, this could be quite personal in answering the details but I think I will give it a go here. I really think flower remedies are a great example of energetic medicine, incredible really, and most people aren't familiar with them. I love to learn about them and if my lesson can help others, then so be it that the whole world shall hear of my follies. At least they are in the past.
If it becomes to sensitive, then I might resort to PM, but for now, public is OK, (but a fair warning to readers, if you don't want to hear the details, don't read the novel). Thank you so much, Linda.
I can't believe how obvious it is. Yes, there was definitely an overpowering person who I was unable to deal with at the time--a short, intense, violent and passionate relationship, with liberal quantities of alcohol and drugs. We became engaged near to the end of the relationship (matter of fact, the engagement was part of the make-up ritual after a fight), but after the fight to end all fights, I left the state where I had been for about 5 years and "went home" 2000 miles away across the country so when you say "keeping a distance between yourself and others", it rings true in that aspect. However the allergies started when were together.
I'll use the descriptions of the flower remedies you described to relate my story. "Sensitive to all the little things in life" is something that I can relate to. Definitely overly sensitive as a child, would cry at the slightest hint of a harsh word...definitely an approval seeker back then. I'm still sensitive to moods and environments and can't be in chaos, around negative people, or city life very easy. People say that my cage is rattled easily. I pick up on people's moods and take it into myself all too easily. I'm more confidant I used to be and at least have the self esteem to get away from people who abuse, manipulate or make me feel like crap. At 19, I was still pretty emotionally needy and when He was in a bad mood, I couldn't just leave him be because I was sure it either had something to do with me or some need that I wasn't fulfilling for him. I had this thing in my head that if he wasn't happy, it was due to my inability to satisfy him and fulfill him. I was in a total servant mindset. Not right, not healthy. Then again, my dad was pretty demanding and often had taken out his frustration or anger on me by blaming me for not doing this or doing that saying it was the cause of his foul mood.
"...'can't get enough', whether it be love, or air to breathe". At that time, that was certainly the way I approached life, overdoing everything because I couldn't get enough of the experience. The two of us approached the relationship like that, too. Also resources, I was young and money was scarce. I still sometimes go overboard with stuff, but I've way calmed down, not near anything like I used to be.
About shock, I don't remember the exact order of events but I had never experienced domestic violence before. The first time he put his fist through a wall, I was pretty much dumbfounded and in shock.
Around 10-15 yrs ago, black walnut became my favorite tree because I loved everything about it, the nuts, the beautiful wood, the hulls (to make natural dye with). LOL
The balancing of opposites...I've mentioned my tendency to overdo (or to severely neglect). Balance is usually lacking in my life. Unfortunately, I tend to think of 'routine' as a synonym for 'balance' and 'boredom' as a synonym for 'routine'. I'm probably wrong but please explain that to my subconscious.
Other details about the time when the allergies started... I had just gotten a new boyfriend who had his own vehicle in good repair, a good paying warehouse job and a really nice apartment. I also came into a better job with better pay and more prestige than I'd had before (at his prodding that I deserved better than what I'd been getting because until then, I never thought I deserved anything but "whatever I could get" always settling for less). I'd been living away from both my parents for several years at that point and money and poverty were always an issue so I felt as if I had finally "arrived" now that I was in this new great situation. When the relationship got violent and abusive and alcohol and drugs were not used responsibly, I didn't know what to do because I was as much attached to him as I was the new lifestyle. Leaving wasn't a choice and I was clinging desperately to him and to it all "come hell or high water" because I wasn't going back to not having anything again. When the end did come, I suffered emotionally like longer and deeper than I've never suffered in my whole life, even up to this day, because the two of us really had formed a deep emotional bond (and they say teenagers don't really know what love is). I went back "home" and cried myself to sleep every night for 6 months and he got put in prison for 2 years on a drug charge. As I write, I'm really starting to think that the trigger might have been the first incident of violence with the hole in the wall. I think he brought home a pint of tequila after work. Maybe it was second incident. It wasn't too far into the relationship because I remember I started having allergies at my new job.
Ok, so that sums up most of the difficult emotional junk that I remember from that time period. Coincidentally, I was across the country then because my mother was moving there and I thought it would be a good way to get away from my new stepmother. I had always lived with my father because I had a difficult relationship with my mother. No sooner than we got out there, she kicked me out so that is why I had been living on my own. At the point of the story I've told above, i did not even have contact with my mother so when I left the state, she was unaware but the last time I ever saw her was out there a couple years prior to all that.
If anyone finds this too personal or finds it offensive, then please speak up and we'll go to PM. For me, it's just a bit of history that I'm not proud of but I'm not ashamed of either.
Linda, thank you again.
Many blessings,
Nepi
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